Postpartum Psychosis

I suffered postpartum psychosis back in 2019 after the birth of my son Eddie and was admitted to a Mother Baby Unit (MBU) when he was just 17 days old. I was sectioned and stayed there for 5 weeks and 5 days. 

My memoir Everyone is here to help - a healing account of postpartum psychosis and recovery aims to raise money for Action on Postpartum Psychosis and the work they do for the 1 in 1000 mothers in the UK every year who suffer from this little known treatable medical emergency. 

This poem below is a simplified version of my story.

Perfect bundle brought home after

four days in hospital

Post C-section that went

so smoothly for me

No trauma felt just the

plans we had in place Hypnobirthing cards and lavender and music that calmed my soul Our baby boy was born to sounds he was familiar with

Silence and classical music and just our voices were heard

A dropped screen too but

half didn't drop so well and

when our bundle was handed to us

I wrenched up

causing multiple tears

in the muscles in my neck

Took him time to latch and me time to settle with strong medication

To numb the pain of my neck and tummy and other pains yet unlocated

And homeward bound we came

Proud bundle in his tiny bike outfit

We were overwhelmed with love and I was so thrilled with my oxytocin rush as doubted I would with a C -section

I wanted my version of photos you see of true and raw expression on women's faces

Aghast bewildered

So much heart-felt relief and joy

But things fast changed when

home and my world became odd and uncertain so quickly

Doubts turned to fears and

those fears then grew

Disturbing imagery and severe lack of sleep

Mouth stripped dry with anxiety

Legs jolted as soon as I dropped off and I tried

We tried

Everyone tried to get me settled

To get me to sleep

Baby doing better at that than mum

As I have Bipolar my risk of postpartum psychosis was high

Even though we had planned so thoroughly

It still happened

Through the lens of a camera

Smiling tears became those of sadness

Wracked with confusion and

self-doubt and paranoia

What was real or not real

Was he really mine

Am I safe

Is he safe

We're not safe

And nights that were disrupted with feeds that I was dutifully doing but also out of love

Became dark nights of terror

The bed drawing me down into a hell realm when I was not with you or you with me

I squeezed my husband's hand

so tight not to let go

To slip slide into this horror of mental instability

Seventeen days old you were

when they came and assessed me One minute I was so high

singing a song at the top of my voice

On top of the world with the

sun in my face

Then dropped and dumped

to screeching doubt and declarations

Please don't let this happen to me again

I want to feed my 'Latchasaurus' with his quivering tongue and smiling eyes

Please don't take this new comfort away from me

So I'll do the journey if you say so

To Mother and Baby Unit

to placate you all

I can do it

Baby we will go in together

Get well and come out

We'll show them

But my safe drug of years was stolen from my regime of health

When I arrived delusions of grandeur in full swing

I told them that I could heal the other mums and read everyone's thoughts

I was a saviour

I am not ill and I'm not a patient

I would say

You have got this all wrong

So within 48 hours

I was sectioned

To keep baby and me safe

They could keep me now for nearly a month there if they'd wish

To me that meant no baby in his cot next to me

To be separated was such cruelty

And then a man

a medical professional

I did not know

Was next to me at night

in a seat I didn't recognise

Try sleeping next to a stranger

There is surely madness in that

She'll only get well through

improved sleep they said

Only then can we reunite her with her baby

But it took two weeks

Very long weeks without you by my side

My breasts being suckled by a pump and nothing else and new medication now tainted my milk Well if you can't have it then I will

My own breast milk down the hatch

Laced with a medication I did not choose

Choice and free will mean different things when you are sectioned and not believed

A mother recovering from a C-Section under section with babe removed and not even knowing where she was

Madness itself

And slowly I adjusted

At times I forgot I was a mum

My section wound and searing neck pain being more present than a baby in my useless sagging arms

And confusion lead to delusions so serious and severe so dark

Skeletons talking to me in the bath

A belief of no night and day

Time does not exist

There is a parallel world over there

I can speak French and use sign language

Converse with babies before their mothers can

I am Buddha

I am The Enlightened One

I am right and you are all wrong

I'm a genius and comedian

I'm living in a pink picture perfect painting one minute

then hitting the hounds of hell off my chest the next

Sobbing in my room

Staring at walls

Trying to understand why the other mums were smiling

Where even are we

I don't even know

Where are you

Those times you visited were the high points of my time in MBU

My butterflies still fly wildly

merely on the reflection of the contrast

My small strange unknown world would then be filled with so much love

It was overwhelming

And after two long weeks of being inside with strangers with smiles

I left for a cafe with you in your pram and my new mum smile

I returned and I puffed with pride again

That first trip out is perversely held as one of the most enjoyable experiences in my whole life

We walked ten minutes to a cafe

I had a hot chocolate and a shortbread biscuit with nurses

by my side

for the care I needed but

I was there for the care you needed

And with renewed vigour and strength and so much help

I became the mum I wanted to be

Trips out became more frequent and nurses lessened as family members became present

Then just my husband and me

and you

a loving family of three

And finally I was trusted to be with you alone

Six long weeks I waited

to walk out with my baby

in a pram all tucked and snug

and safe and warm

I still feel that smile when I see photos of that me

We went to the cafe with the daisy on

I ordered early grey tea and lemon cake and ate it looking at you wondering if you were as proud of me as I was of myself

My therapist and the nurses and my parents and husband and my friends and extended family and nursery nurses and psychologists and advocates all worked tirelessly to bring out the best in me

To heal my exhausted ill mind

To make me present and help me learn to mother

to smile

to look up and out at the life that stood in front of me waiting

Postpartum psychosis is what happened to me

When we drove over two hours when you were not even three weeks old

Sectioned within two days

A 5 weeks 5 day stay

The trauma is distant yet near

It shapes not scars me

The beautiful bond I have with my boy is still so strong and

my thanks echo out to so many...