Madhu is a mum, writer, and academic. She has recently published her debut poetry pamphlet, Mother Self, in which she explores motherhood and what it means to raise kids in today's promising yet utterly complex world.
“A PhD and a baby? How do you manage that?”
That was a question I was often asked during my PhD. At first, I was surprised, after all, I’ve heard of others who had done the same. However, over time, I learnt to simply smile whenever this question was asked. It was easier that way. Somehow, giving the full answer seemed to make ‘balancing it all’ seem trivial.
My PhD focused on exploring storytelling practices of relief and development organisations in post-conflict contexts. This was driven by my previous work experiences and my broader interests in storytelling and social change. I had worked as a journalist and within international development.
With a toddler in tow, I had planned to finish my PhD before my youngest was born, but that wasn’t meant to be. With a toddler and now a newborn, I just had to find a way to make my thesis work…. I still had over 50,000 words to write and lots more to edit. I was also determined to finish by the set deadline. I knew if I postponed it anymore, I would never get my PhD done. I had already come so far.
So, we came up with a plan: more nursery days for our older son who was now nearing three years of age, and some extra help with the newborn. But, two months after the birth of our second son, the country went into lockdown. No extra nursery days and no more help with the newborn.
Looking back on this period, there are moments that I remember. They seem surreal now.
It was difficult to find solid time during the day to write. There were so many times that I felt like I was failing rather than having it all– both these roles needed my full attention, and I needed to find a way to better manage my time and responsibilities. Late afternoons worked very well when both kids had got some rest, and my husband was home. But the most useful and most peaceful time for me to write in those last few months was in the wee hours of the morning. I would wake up at 2am and work till about 6am. While at first this was a challenge, I found it easier waking up at that time (I would sleep from 8pm the night before). My mind was fresh at this time, and there was something about it that made me work.
I would sometimes work while breastfeeding our youngest. Our toddler would often be seated next to me, scribbling on my chapter drafts or doing something crafty with all the unwanted paper by the side. He’ll ask me often to make him a paper rocket or paper boat with my chapter drafts.
I recently published my debut poetry pamphlet, Mother Self, and in that I reflect on some of these bits and pieces, especially how I woke up at 2am and would use old chapter drafts of my humanitarian communication thesis to make paper boats for my children.
There were many hair-splitting moments, times when I just felt completely lost, and times where nothing worked. I don’t think it helped that we had some lovely sunny days during the time, but we could hardly go out. Doing a PhD can be an incredibly lonely process, and doing it with kids during lockdown can take its toll on anyone. Yet, the other day, when clearing through piles of old chapter drafts of my PhD, I came across lots of boring chapters made artsy by my toddler – I’m preserving them!
I had submitted the below image for a PhD quarantine time capsule that was run by my University at the time. I captioned it: ‘My normal! We read the Paw Patrol while editing chapters, make puzzles, and scribble on old chapter drafts. The final leg with these two is a lot about adapting!’
When doing any type of academic work, the word ‘discourse’ becomes part of your vocabulary. In a broader application of the term, it helps us unpack the complex structures and connections that produce knowledge about a certain topic or problem we are investigating. As I zoomed through scholarship, this also became a lens through which I saw the world: the way we produced knowledge about our own reality. Diapers and discourse had very much become my reality. I didn’t know any other way of doing a PhD.
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